I fear this may be a long entry, so bear with me...
Since E has been gone to work all week, I've read his journal from when we were dating, and then my journal of the same thing and a little after we married. I've really seen how much I've lost focus on the true meaning of life and why we're here.
Since T was born I've grown to become so self-centered and have no regard for anyone else. I've taken E so much for granted and continually felt sorry for myself. I looked back at how dependent I was on the Lord and how grateful I was for how my life was, even though it was difficult. I've fallen away from that humble state of mind and come to rely on my own abilities which are completely inadequate without the Lord's help.
I used to try and find the good in people and look at the bright side of every situation. Now there's a black cloud over my head that rains all day. I see everyone else faults and always know how to make someone better. For example, E's mother. I have fought it since we've moved here and I think pride has set in so heavily that I'm not sure how to change. I have been so wrong!!
I feel as though I don't allow the spirit in with me while I'm raising T. I don't ask for help when my day's going tough and then feel guilty later for not controlling my temper very well.
Oh how I need the Lord's help! I need him by my side leading and guiding me. Here it's the Christmas season and it's just turned into war-zone in our house because I don't want my Christmas things to be ruined. That's not what Christmas is about. I've become so hard headed!!!
I'm glad I've had these few days to really take a look inside myself and assess where I'm at. I've realized so many things. But - most importantly, I've realized how much I love my husband and why I did fall in love with him three years ago. He's caring of his family, he's trustworthy, he gives 100% all of the time, he's completely devoted to me, and he'll always be there for me. These are the qualities I saw in him as a boyfriend and they are truer than ever now. He is still my knight in shining armor. He's a dedicated servant of the Lord and gives his all. He's an excellent example to me in honesty, loyalty, determination, hard work, and love. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know, but is afraid to show it to people sometimes. He'd do anything for anyone. I love my husband dearly and will try to be a better wife.
