Alone = Time To Think

I fear this may be a long entry, so bear with me...

Since E has been gone to work all week, I've read his journal from when we were dating, and then my journal of the same thing and a little after we married. I've really seen how much I've lost focus on the true meaning of life and why we're here. 

Since T was born I've grown to become so self-centered and have no regard for anyone else. I've taken E so much for granted and continually felt sorry for myself. I looked back at how dependent I was on the Lord and how grateful I was for how my life was, even though it was difficult. I've fallen away from that humble state of mind and come to rely on my own abilities which are completely inadequate without the Lord's help. 

I used to try and find the good in people and look at the bright side of every situation. Now there's a black cloud over my head that rains all day. I see everyone else faults and always know how to make someone better. For example, E's mother. I have fought it since we've moved here and I think pride has set in so heavily that I'm not sure how to change. I have been so wrong!!

I feel as though I don't allow the spirit in with me while I'm raising T. I don't ask for help when my day's going tough and then feel guilty later for not controlling my temper very well.

Oh how I need the Lord's help! I need him by my side leading and guiding me. Here it's the Christmas season and it's just turned into war-zone in our house because I don't want my Christmas things to be ruined. That's not what Christmas is about. I've become so hard headed!!!

I'm glad I've had these few days to really take a look inside myself and assess where I'm at. I've realized so many things. But - most importantly, I've realized how much I love my husband and why I did fall in love with him three years ago. He's caring of his family, he's trustworthy, he gives 100% all of the time, he's completely devoted to me, and he'll always be there for me. These are the qualities I saw in him as a boyfriend and they are truer than ever now. He is still my knight in shining armor. He's a dedicated servant of the Lord and gives his all. He's an excellent example to me in honesty, loyalty, determination, hard work, and love. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know, but is afraid to show it to people sometimes. He'd do anything for anyone. I love my husband dearly and will try to be a better wife.

My New Friend 'Mold'

I had to rearrange my entire front room today because I found mold on the bottom shelf of our bookcase. That while corner of the room was just mold heaven. It kind of wore me out.

I talked to E tonight, but he must've been watching a movie or something; he wasn't real talkative.

I finally gave our food storage its real kick-off today. E agreed to spend $100 per month on food storage and I didn't do anything last month so I had $200 to spend. I got a lot of real basics like salt, milk, beans, etc. The bare minimum kind of stuff. I'm excited. This will give me something to be in charge of and feel like I have a little responsibility. I put together a filing system that I think will work pretty good. I also asked my family for a wheat grinder for Christmas. That would sure be handy!

All Alone... Again

In order to make ends meet, E has taken a job in another state. He's gone all week and is only home on the weekends. I miss him.

Only 17 weeks of it  =/

Yesterday I went to the Family History Library for four hours. It's a little overwhelming.

A Blessing of Tithing

The Lord truly does bless us when we do what is right. Yesterday I thought that I could wait a week to pay tithing and we'd have money to cover all of our bills. Then I decided not to compromise and to trust in the Lord. Well ~ my father-in-law showed up with a refund check for our home owner's insurance on our last house! Crazy huh? So at the point when we didn't have enough money to make ends meet, the Lord saw fit to bless us.

I've always had a strong testimony of tithing and know how much the Lord blesses us when we keep the commandments. It's so easy to overlook blessings or to think it's just a lucky coincidence. Heavenly Father knows our needs and our hearts.

E won't be done with school for five more months and we are down to our last $130.

I turn my thoughts to my Savior now. He is the true meaning of happiness. He's the light in this dark and saddened world. If only everyone knew He lived and would follow Him. Money, power, fame, none of that brings happiness. And it's not just believing in Him, it's knowing Him. It's knowing who He is, what He teaches, who He is when he returns in all of His glory. Oh what a beautiful day that will be. I can only pray I will be worthy to kneel at His feet, kiss them, and call Him "Master." Then I could only say "thank you." He gives me hope, happiness and direction in my life.

Intimacy.... and Pregnancy

I seem to be really down lately. Just like my pregnancy with T, I have no desire for intimacy. It just doesn't seem important to me. My energy is drained. It's like a continuous circle. E doesn't want to go out because he'd rather stay home. For me, I want to go out and have fun together so I feel close - THEN it's easier to be intimate. Maybe I need to talk about it with him. Maybe he doesn't know quite how I feel. I'll try.

Sometimes I wish I could lock myself up in a room and not have to see or deal with anyone for a few days. Not feasible. It probably doesn't help that we haven't had an oven for a while. Our old one was leaking gas so I have been trying to cook without an oven. There are only so many things you can cook in a microwave.

Well, I feel cruddy, my attitude is cruddy, so I probably shouldn't even be writing in this thing. I guess I do have bad days, too.

I Had Forgotten

E and I took the opportunity to attend the temple yesterday. We went to the 12:00 pm session and it was a Spanish session. Here I haven't been to the temple for two years and the first one I go to is in a foreign language. I had to read the little monitors the whole time but it was a really neat experience. I couldn't let my mind drift for one second because I'd miss something. And since I was going through for someone else, I did not want to miss anything. There were a few times my contacts would fog up from me straining my eyes but I don't think I missed much at all.

It was nice to return to the temple. And especially to be able to go with my husband. I was reminded of so many basic things which I had forgotten. I also just found my Patriarchal blessing and I'm so thankful. It, too, reminded me of so many things I had forgotten. I love to read my blessing. I want to serve the Lord and put all of my efforts toward building His kingdom here on Earth. I love the gospel, my Savior, and my Father in Heaven. I'm so blessed to live during this time and to be shielded by a testimony.